Introduction

For you who are here to figure out why I am now Jewish, I have developed an “elevator pitch”. You can read it and skip the whole blog if you want! Here it is:

Judaism, for me, is a way to live my values – justice, kindness, helping the poor, and seeking balance – within a community that shows up for one another. Its practices help me to shape who I want to be and can become: Shabbat turns my over-active working brain off for a day; tikkun olam (repairing the world) continues the work I’ve done all my life; giving tzedakah (helping those in need) has always been a moral imperative; the middot (character traits) leads me to try to find balance in areas that I am a bit much or improve where there is a bit too little;  Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur calls for every Jew to reflect, make amends to those we have wronged, and asks us to work to do better in the year ahead. I don’t believe in a Biblical God –but neither do most Reform Jews. What matters is not belief, but action – and a willingness to wrestle with big questions. I wanted to be part of a people who know how to hold on to what matters – and even in the face of many centuries of soul-crushing adversity – still laugh, still love, and still live fully. And eat! It's a community that I am proud to join.

For the rest of you, this blog begins with my moral and ethical development. Later, it turns to why that path led me to Judaism – and why it took me so long to get there. And then it’s about Judaism itself – the things I love, and the things I laugh about.

There will be a list of contents on the right side. Read it all, read what interests you – or, hey, just read the elevator pitch above.

I’ve always been a bit of an iconoclast and a bit of an outsider. That said, I had social skills, so I never had problems making friends. But I was always a little different from my peers – an atheist at five, a “baby dyke” from the get-go, and politically against the tide of my conservative environment growing up. Because I didn’t believe in God, that cut me off from a lot of the traditional paths to community. My parents found theirs in their United Methodist church. And it was a lovely group of people. My parents always helped those in need; they were great role models. Dad worked tirelessly in Habitat for Humanity after retirement, and I often joined him. But they were a Christian missionary group, and eventually I decided I couldn’t stomach that anymore.

From a young age, I cared about justice. In high school, I joined anti-war protests in my hometown of Fairfield, home to Travis Air Force Base, where soldiers shipped out to Vietnam. The group I worked with – the Revolutionary Union – wanted to end the war, but they also wanted a Marxist-Leninist revolution. While I did consider myself a communist at the time, I didn’t like their version at all. I wanted the non-existent democratic communism. They were also humorless, which I considered a fatal flaw.

In college, I jumped headlong into the New Left, feminist movements, and anti-war efforts. We were passionate, committed, and sure of ourselves. Over time, though, I noticed something I didn’t like: our conviction made it too easy to demonize “the other side.” When you start to believe you’re the good guys, it becomes dangerously easy to stop seeing the humanity of the so-called bad guys. I began to pull back, realizing that some of the harm in the world is caused not by malice, but by that very certainty. I’ve kept that lesson close ever since: passion without empathy can do damage.

I found this particularly true in the feminist movement. While I consider myself a passionate feminist, I historically had many critiques of the movement. This is not the place to hash those out – I’ve written about that elsewhere, like here – but the point is, I wasn’t finding a home there anymore.

Over the decades, I kept looking for a group that balanced idealism with self-awareness. I tried the Democratic Party, secular humanists, skeptics’ groups, and service organizations. Each time, something didn’t wholly fit. Sometimes the mission was right but the culture wasn’t. Sometimes the culture was great but the focus was missing.

The truth is, I’m a mix of traits that doesn’t land neatly anywhere. I’m socially progressive but fiscally conservative – willing to pay taxes to help others, but also convinced that money is often badly spent. I believe in regulation, but also that overregulation is real. I think most people, one-on-one, are basically kind, no matter their politics – but groups can turn ugly fast.

Looking back, I can see the thread that connects it all: I’ve always been searching for a moral and ethical community that works toward a better society without losing sight of our shared humanity. I want people who will argue, compromise, and try to understand each other – even across deep differences. And I’ve learned something else along the way: if you want to improve the world, you have to do it without turning other people into villains in your head. Progress has to come with context, compassion, and forgiveness – for ourselves, and for others. Otherwise, you’re just feeding the same divisions you claim to fight.  That’s been my compass for decades.

Next up: How I found the perfect practice for wrestling with the human condition and, slowly, becoming a better version of myself.

Opera Tripping – How LSD and Carmen Opened the Door

My friend Lisa had given Leslie and me her subscription tickets to two operas, Madame Butterfly and Carmen – she couldn’t go to the first and had seen the latter too many times for her taste. We went mostly out of curiosity. I thought opera might be too long and boring. Madame Butterfly, which we saw first, didn’t impress me much, though I liked a few of the arias. But then we saw Carmen, and that was the beginning of a new chapter in my life – one that reverberates to this day.

The particular date we saw the opera was October 20, 1991. I remember it because another tragedy was happening across the bay. At intermission, we stepped out on the balcony and saw the hills burning. It was the start of the Oakland firestorm – the worst urban fire in California history. I didn’t connect the opera and the fire in my mind, except that it forever anchored the day to tragedy.

I liked the whole opera – it had lots of familiar tunes, which helped – but it was that final confrontation between Don José and Carmen that landed the punch. He begs her to come back to him. She says no. He threatens her. She asserts that she will live or die a free woman. And then he kills her. It was completely gripping – see for yourself:

That wasn’t some abstract 19th-century melodrama. It was heartbreakingly familiar. A man who decides, “If I can’t have her, no one can.” Carmen is a woman who knows she’s risking her life, but values her freedom more than safety. She’s not suicidal. She just won’t lie to survive. I thought she was a bit nuts and a bit mean, but I admired her at the same time. While this version was fictional, the fact of femicide throughout the world was – and remains – quite real. Globally, about 38% of female homicides are committed by male intimate partners, according to the World Health Organization.

There’s a fascinating paradox within the whole opera. Carmen believes in fate, but that belief removes fear and sets her free. If death is coming anyway, the world is completely open to her. Fate becomes a permission slip.

Even though I am nothing like Carmen, I did identify with her. I’ve always been a risk taker. People have warned me all my life – as a woman – about how to be safe, how to live carefully. I have generally ignored them. I trusted my gut. I’m 70 now, so I know the risks worked out. But even if they hadn’t, I still think I’d rather be more Carmen-like than not. And since I don’t believe in fate, I think my bravery is more real than hers!

I bought the recording and planned to listen to the whole thing on LSD.

I was super excited. I knew it wouldn’t be too long or boring – no chance. From experience, I knew acid always led to intense feeling. And I had just discovered that opera could pull me deep into the emotional world of its characters. So I thought: what would it be like to combine the two – to let one amplify the other – especially in that final scene?

And, as I suspected, I was blown away.

That afternoon was the most intense experience of my life – at least up to that point.

The LSD didn’t just enhance the music – it made it feel like I was experiencing the drama myself. I wasn’t watching a character on a stage anymore. What the opera – and the acid – gave me was just enormous empathy. Not just for Carmen, but for every woman who had been there. Who had died there. The story was tragic, but the tragedy wasn’t abstract. I had become a super-empath.

It wasn’t a conversion moment. It wasn’t religious. But it was the beginning of something – the first time I understood that music, especially opera (with a little help from its friend), could help me untangle the human condition and my place in it. It could be instructive – not in a preachy way, but in a way that demanded moral and emotional engagement.

Basically, with this experience, I found the method for my moral journey. And yeah, later – much later – we’ll get to Judaism.

But more opera and LSD to come...

My Mikveh and Biopsy Day (with a Jury Duty twist)

Edit June 19th: No jury duty. The lump on the tongue got smaller; no biopsy. Mikveh was great!

On June 19th, I’ll kind of become a Jew.

Technically, my conversion isn’t official until June 20th, after I talk with three rabbis at a Beit Din (a Jewish court) and—unless I am found wanting—they wave their magic wands and accept me into the tribe. Normally, the order goes: Beit Din first, then mikveh—the ritual immersion in water that seals the deal.

So why am I doing it backward? Well. That’s where jury duty comes in.

Awkwardly Jewish: Entering the Tribe

 The Mikveh 

Here’s a picture Leslie took before the mikveh at the Los Gatos J.C.C. where it is housed.

Rabbi Shifra with the hat, Deborah the attendant next to her mural likeness,
Dawn next to Shifra, my friend Linda - who encouraged me greatly - next to me.

As I mentioned in my last post, I had to get very clean for the mikveh — the ritual bath in which I would emerge reborn as a Jew. No foreign substances. Nude, of course. The idea is to be as close as possible to the condition of a newborn… or at least, as close as a 70-year-old woman can get. I’m pretty much a natural woman without embellishments, but I did have to remove my two rings.

It was my fingernails that were the issue.

What Are the Odds? A Conversion Coincidence

A coincidence related to my conversion was just revealed to me — and it blew my mind.

But first, some backdrop.

I’ve been an atheist pretty much since I was five years old. I rejected religion early — especially Christianity and its “accept Jesus or rot in hell” message. Rationality has always been central for me. The scientific method has always felt like the path to truth.

So how did I end up converting to Judaism?

It started twenty-four years ago, at my nephew Mark’s bar mitzvah. Mark is the son of my brother Russ (a convert himself) and my sister-in-law Tobae. After reading his Torah portion, Mark delivered his d’var Torah — a short commentary on it — and included the fact that he didn’t believe in God. There were no gasps or dirty looks. Instead, at the reception, people praised him for his independent thought.

That would never have happened in any Christian church I knew. I remember thinking: Wow, this is a much better religion. A tiny seed was planted that day. I thought — and often said ever since — that if I were ever religious, I’d want to be a Reform Jew.

How that seed finally sprouted is really the focus of much of this blog (see below for more).

When I first met Rabbi Shifra — we planned a walk along West Cliff with our dogs — I told her about Mark’s bar mitzvah. That it was the moment that made me see Judaism in a different light.

After my last blog post, my sister-in-law emailed me:

“I read your blog last night and noticed your rabbi’s full name. Shifra Penzias was the rabbi who tutored Mark for his bar mitzvah and officiated at his ceremony. Our congregation was between rabbis at the time — I can’t remember how we found her, but she was wonderful. She let Mark give his d’var Torah about not believing in God. You were there — you’ve actually met her before!”

Rabbi Shifra and Mark McDuff at his Bar Mitzvah

Rabbi Shifra today

Mark’s bar mitzvah was 24 years ago, at Temple Beth Or in Everett, Washington. 

Even if that were the whole story, it would be a striking coincidence. But here’s the part that stuns me: she gave Mark the freedom to say exactly what he believed. And that moment quietly changed my life. What if they’d found another rabbi who shut him down? Without that one moment, the whole chain of events leading me to Judaism might never have happened.

And now, all these years later, the rabbi who unknowingly planted that seed turned out to be the same one who helped me begin anew? When I found out, I didn't just think “Wow, what are the odds”?  — a large does of adrenaline coursed through my body, and I became totally hyper. Before I even thought it through, my body trumped rational thought: this felt more than just random. 

And other salient factor. At the time of Mark's conversion, Rabbi Shifra wasn't yet married to her husband Peter. That happened a couple of months later. She chose to hyphenate her name.  If she had not, Tobae would have never noticed that she was the same rabbi.

I’d read once, in my Union of Reform Judaism class on Judaism, this line from Rabbi Kari Tuling: “If you believe in miracles, then miracles can happen in your life. And if you do not, then they do not.” For most of my life, I’d only allowed “coincidences.” But lately, I’ve cracked the door open — just a bit — to the idea that maybe some things can feel miraculous, if I let them.

Rationally, I know this was just an improbable coincidence. But even I have to admit: it feels like something more. It’s downright Hollywood.

Just chance? Fate? A little miracle? What do you think?

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The Future of This Blog

Just know: this is mostly an exercise for myself. You’re invited to read along if you’re curious — and I promise to try to make it entertaining if you do. (For myself as much as for you — if I’m going to reread something I’ve written, it better be worth my time.) You can follow along as I post, or just wait a year and binge whatever looks interesting later. There will be a clear index of topics — because of course there will be.

I’ve been taking notes ever since I decided to explore conversion. My plan was to blog about it while it happened. Obviously, that didn’t happen. So instead, I’m going to go back and write about the two threads that led me here: my search for a particular kind of community, and my moral and ethical growth over the years. Then, of course, why Judaism became the meeting point for both.

Key ingredients you can expect: how LSD played a role; how my love of Wagner’s music and Groundhog Day were instrumental; and how Everything Everywhere All at Once was the final push toward conversion. You know — the usual conversion stuff. (This section will be under the heading Genesis. Obviously.)

I’ll also tackle the big question: how did a dyed-in-the-wool atheist end up seeing so much value in Judaism that I was willing to let go of what had been a core part of my identity? To my beloved atheist friends: don’t worry, I haven’t abandoned you. I’m just making a little more room for doubt — not about the Biblical God (honestly, I often curse him as I read the Torah — and yes, he’s definitely a dude) — but about the unknowable. I’m trying to be a bit more humble, a bit less dismissive. Very Jewish of me. 

And yes, I’ll explain why that’s “very Jewish of me.” Because honestly, it’s a great religion — or religion/culture hybrid. The Reform version keeps the best parts of Judaism (which are truly wonderful) and encourages you to work out your own relationship with the challenging parts. Basically, you’re expected to think for yourself. And there’s that seed again: Mark was encouraged to say what he really believed at his bar mitzvah. That’s what I love about Judaism — questions aren’t discouraged; they’re expected. So you’ll probably learn a few things about Judaism you didn’t know — including, I suspect, some of my Jewish friends.

Along the way, there will be plenty of irreverent posts about the things I find funny in Judaism, my reappraisal of Christianity, and how it all ties back to human nature — which has been one of my obsessions for decades.

That’s the plan.

The first post in “Genesis” will be about how the opera Carmen at the San Francisco Opera House on October 20, 1991 kick-started the moral journey that eventually led me to Judaism. (Well, LSD was involved — that’ll be a theme.) Fittingly, the opera is about fate — but that’s just a coincidence. So is the fact that the tragic Oakland fire started that same day — I only know the exact date because of it.